When we see someone facing the loss of a loved one or other major life crisis, many of us instinctively ask how we can help. The conversation often goes something like this:
we: I am so sorry that you are going through something like this. What can I do to help?
People in crisis: Honestly, I don’t know right now.
we: Okay… well… if you need anything, just let me know.
People in crisis: I’m fine, thanks.
we: I’m serious. Please feel free to ask questions. We will be happy to assist you with anything you may need.
And…crickets. The person will not reach out to you to take you up on the offer.
Was this person going through a major life crisis and really didn’t need help? Not likely. Our offer may have been sincere, but the problem may be that we really couldn’t give them what they actually needed.
One of those needs is not having to make decisions. Another is that you don’t have to ask for help directly.
When people are in a crisis, they can feel like they are drowning. They may be disoriented and fatigued, and doing anything other than keeping their head above water long enough to breathe can feel like too much.
If someone is drowning, don’t ask or wait to be asked what you can do to help. Just take action.
Here are some concrete ways you can take action to help people who know they need help but are unable or unwilling to ask for it.
1. Make it into food
You may be tempted to ask someone to make a meal and wait for a yes or no response, but don’t. Ask if you or someone in your family has any dietary restrictions before you start shopping or cooking.
Meals that can be placed in the refrigerator or freezer and then directly into the oven or microwave are best. If cooking or reheating instructions are confusing, include those as well. Disposable aluminum trays are perfect for homemade meals from the freezer to the oven and can be found at almost any grocery store. casserole. Fried rice. soup. Comfort food.
If you can’t cook, you can buy them a gift card to a local restaurant that delivers, or give them a DoorDash or Uber Eats gift certificate (covers delivery fees, service fees, and tips). Large enough for a total meal (sometimes).
Meals that can be easily prepared in the oven are great.
Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash
Even better, organize a meal train
If you want to make it a community-wide effort, but no one is doing it yet, set up a “meal train” where different people register to bring meals on different days to spread food assistance over time. please. There are several free websites you can use for this purpose. Examples include Give In Kind, Meal Train, and Take Them a Meal. These sites make it very easy for anyone with a personalized link to sign up for a meal.
There are always dishes to wash.
Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
2. Clean the kitchen and bathroom
The kitchen is constantly in use, and it can be difficult to keep dishes prepared even under normal circumstances, especially in a crowded house. The same goes for cleaning the refrigerator. The same goes for cleaning the bathroom.
Instead of asking if They want it done. Even if you are grateful for the help, many people will not want to say yes. Try saying something like: “I want to make sure your kitchen is ready so you can cook at any time, and your bathroom is a clean place to escape to whenever you feel like it.Which is better on Tuesday or Wednesday? Is it okay?”
The fewer complex decisions a person in crisis has to make, the better. this or that Instead of offering endless possibilities, it might be helpful to think, “Couldn’t it be better?”
There’s always more laundry to fold.
Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
3. Do laundry
Offer to sit and chat and let them vent if they need to…fold the laundry in the meantime.
Are they the kind of people who are shy when you see or touch their underwear? Are you okay. Instead, wash, dry, and fold towels and bed sheets. Keep the laundry moving for them.
Also, if it’s not appropriate or desirable to do laundry at their home, you can offer pick-up laundry services, either yourself or an actually hired service. Just tell them to leave a bag or box of laundry at the door, and you (or a service) will pick it up and bring it neatly folded the next day. This is a great way to provide service without feeling intruded.
Offer to do the shopping for you when you go grocery shopping.
Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
4. Run errands
“Hey, I’m going to the store, can you buy me something while you’re at it?” A call or text message is always welcome. Let them know you will be running your errands and check if they need anything to drop off at the post office, pick up from the pharmacy, or anything else.
You can also offer to do errands. and they. “Hey, I have something to do. Would you like to come with me?” They may not want to leave the house, or they may be desperate to leave the house, so be prepared for both answers. stay here. But the offer is solid. Even if you don’t have to drive, you may feel relieved that you have what you need to get there.
Taking care of someone’s child is one of the most helpful things you can do.
Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash
5. Providing childcare
If the person is a parent, taking the child out for a chunk of the day can be a big help. Caring for yourself during difficult times can be difficult, and the energy people actually use to do so is often taken away from caring for others. Obviously, parents cannot ignore their children. So anything you can do to relieve your kids of that responsibility for a while is gold.
Even better, offer to take the kids to do something fun, like spend the day at the park or go ice skating. Parents knowing their child is safe, engaged, and happy provides a sense of security in itself.
6. Ask them what they are struggling with and focus your help there.
While all of these practical chores are helpful, some people may find solace and solace in doing these things themselves. If so, discuss what your immediate needs are and what you’re struggling to address. And focus your energy there. “What can I help you with?” may not be as effective a question as “What’s difficult right now?” You may not know what kind of help you need, but you probably know how you’re struggling.
Some people may be lonely and just want someone to be with them. Some people may need a creative outlet, a mindless distraction, or something physical like a walk or hike. Others may have pets that need attention, a garden that needs maintenance, or an oil change in their car. Perhaps we need someone to act as a shield or buffer between us and all those who come to offer their condolences.
Note that many of these things are about basic life maintenance. These are the things that are often the hardest things to do when dealing with the emotional and logistical issues surrounding what people are going through, and the things that are often the easiest things to do in others. What people can do for them. Times of crisis are not normal times, so normal etiquette, such as asking if something can or should be done rather than just saying you’ll do it, doesn’t always apply.
If you have something specific about a particular task, such as planning a funeral, this might be a good time to ask how you can help. But people in the throes of deep grief and suffering often need someone to help them with the basics, even when they aren’t asked to do so. Again, they’re likely feeling like they’re drowning, so don’t wait for invitations. Grab your life preserver, keep it around you, and do whatever it takes to get you to shore.
This article was originally published on 2.5.24.
