Premiere day. After more than two months off the air, it was finally over. I was very nervous, but the show was, dare I say it, pretty good. I guess you could say it was “like riding a bike.”
If you follow me on the radio or in this space, you know that I’ve struggled with mental health since I was a teenager and I’ve been very vocal about it.
Up until now I have never hesitated to talk about the ups and downs of my life, but this time was completely different. This time I felt embarrassed, and to be honest, I still feel that way to some extent.
As I write this, I am still unsure of the wisdom of speaking so openly about something so personal. It is dangerous to write in such detail, but helping people is more important. I have been gifted a microphone and keyboard.
Listen to what I said on the broadcast below:
Earlier this year, I began to feel depression creeping back into my life, and as always, I accepted it and continued to deal with it.
As the months passed, my depression worsened and the telltale signs of a depressive episode became real: isolation from family and friends, loss of interest in the things I love, and overwhelming sadness.
It became nearly impossible to do the most basic tasks of life. It was even harder to respond to text messages. This had become much more than a “downtime” in my life.
I knew I was in trouble when I lost something important: hope.
I remember very clearly telling my boss at the radio station about my struggles. He asked me if they should be worried about me, and I didn’t. Instead of the usual “Of course there’s no need to worry,” I said, “I’m not sure.”
After consulting with my doctor, we decided I needed to undergo more advanced treatment, which meant taking time away from my job, my family and my life.
Many people have seen psychiatric hospitals in the movies and on TV, but the reality is quite different.
A dream vacation? No, not at all.
All the comforts and freedoms we take for granted are taken away. No TV, no computers, no phones. Once you get used to it, not having a phone is actually quite nice. It’s like a digital cleansing.
They spend their time talking to other residents, reading, and attending group therapy sessions.
Group therapy is an amazing experience and I wish everyone could participate in it just once.
“Therapy” seems a strange word to use when sitting down with complete strangers and sharing the most intimate details of your life.
But when you share your struggles with someone who can empathize, magic happens.
You’ll quickly discover that you’re not alone, and other group members will offer insight as they openly talk about themselves, and they’ll also give you an outsider’s perspective on your situation.
Medication management is also a major part of hospital operations.
When they’re not hospitalized, a psychiatrist sees them every day instead of once a month, and nurses are on call 24 hours a day to check their vital signs and answer their questions.
After seeing a doctor, I was told I had treatment-resistant depression, a type of depression that doesn’t usually respond to medication.
This diagnosis isn’t made through a blood test. Instead, you try over-the-counter medications. Unfortunately, none of them put me into remission.
I wish there was a magic pill that would make everything better, but that’s just not realistic.
Treatment for treatment-resistant depression may include alternative therapies, speaking with a specialist, and monitoring your overall health.
I was in the hospital for two weeks and then when I got home I went into what’s called outpatient treatment, which means you continue to live your normal life while attending group sessions and seeing a doctor.
I said I was embarrassed. Why? Not because I went to the hospital, but because I went to the hospital again. I had failed. It had happened again.
I mentioned this to one of the group leaders at the hospital and they gave me a really good comparison.
The doctors told me to think of myself as a car, not a normal car, but a dream car. They told me that your “car” needs adjustments to function and run, and to think of returning to hospital as an adjustment.
It took me a while to realize and believe that – after all, being hospitalized for mental health reasons is a big “adjustment” – but is it really?
Do we blame someone who has to go to the hospital for multiple surgeries on their back, heart, or other parts of their body? In most cases, we don’t.
It took me a long time to truly accept that the brain is just like any other organ in the body: sometimes it doesn’t function properly for various reasons, and that’s okay.
Yet there is still a stigma attached to it, which is why I share.
I know what it’s like to feel alone with a mental health problem. It can feel like you’re the only person in the world who suffers and that no one understands. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is speak up.
If you’ve read this far and you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, this is so important to hear. you are not alone.
Maybe we’ve never spoken. Maybe you’ve heard but never interacted. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know who I am. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never heard my show or just stumbled across this article. You’ve got me.
If there’s anything you’d like to talk about, feel free to let me know. I may not have the answers you want or need, but I can always steer you in the right direction.
If an emergency occurs, call 988 immediately or check out these resources.
Even if you don’t have a mental health problem yourself, continue to be kind and compassionate to those who do. It may seem like a small thing, but it goes a long way.
Life is a one-time opportunity and it is too precious to live it in pain.
I am feeling great and so happy to be back with you all. Peace and love.
