Between a lack of lubrication, uncomfortable angles, and not being in the right ~mood~, there are lots of opportunities for sex to go wrong. Another common and arguably less-talked-about problem that can, ahem, come up? Premature ejaculation.
“Premature ejaculation is usually due to an underlying physiological or psychological issue,” says Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “If you’re having issues with ejaculating too quickly, this is definitely something to discuss with your doctor.” That said, Engle thinks society puts way too much emphasis on staying hard for as long as possible.
Premature ejaculation is nothing to be ashamed of, and let’s be honest, no one needs an erect penis in order to have an orgasm, anyway. “If you understand the clitoris, give great oral sex, and are open to using toys, you’re perfectly capable of being an amazing lover, whether the hard-on lasts two minutes or two hours in bed,” Engle explains.
Meet the experts:
Gigi Engle is a certified sex educator and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.
Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, is a sexologist, author of The New Sex Bible, and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast.
Dr. James Elist, MD is a urologist based in Beverly Hills, CA.
Tom Murray, PhD is a sex and relationship therapist at A Path to Wellness Integrative Psychiatry based in Greensboro, NC.
Emily Morse, PhD is a sex therapist and the host of the podcast Sex With Emily.
Dr. Debra Laino, DHS, is an AASECT-certified sex educator, board-certified clinical sexologist, and relationship therapist based in Delaware.
Rachel Needle, PsyD, is a sex therapist and licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida.
Jenni Skyler, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, board certified sexologist, and a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Colorado.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW, is sex toy retailer Lovehoney’s sex and relationship expert.
Still, if you and your boo aren’t walking away satisfied, that can take a toll. Luckily, it’s one that can (easily!) be addressed. Here’s exactly what you can do to help your partner last longer in bed, so you can both reach the finish line.
First off, how long do people typically last in bed?
The average duration of penetrative sex is estimated to be in the range of three to six minutes, says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist, author of The New Sex Bible, and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast. Premature ejaculation is loosely defined as ejaculation within one to two minutes of entering a partner, says Dr. James Elist, MD, a Beverly Hills-based urologist.
That said, erectile dysfunction itself is extremely common. Approximately 30 million people in the U.S. struggle with it per year, according to a 2014 study from the Current Opinion in Nephrology and Hypertension. So, what to do? Experts weigh in.
1. Suggest a pregame.
Before having sex, make masturbation part of your foreplay. “Tell them you want them to watch you touch yourself, they will love it,” says Emily Morse, PhD, sex therapist and host of the podcast Sex With Emily. Plus, it will help you get a head start and close the orgasm gap so you’re both on the same page once you’re having sex.
2. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay.
Foreplay is part of sex. So by skipping it, you’re doing all parties involved a disservice. Besides, there are other (potentially more effective) ways to get your partner off, such as manual or oral stimulation, says Tom Murray, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist at A Path to Wellness Integrative Psychiatry. So, revisit those erogenous zones and have fun with it.
“Penis owners can inquire with their partners about what would be pleasurable. Those experiencing rapid ejaculation might focus on helping their partner orgasm first and then proceed to penetrative sex,” he adds.
3. Try a cock ring.
Cock rings go around the base of the penis, usually around the shaft, testicles, or both, O’Reilly says. They add pressure to the base of the penis, restricting blood flow. This can then delay their orgasm, helping them last longer.
4. Try a fleshlight.
Using a fleshlight can allow a person to really take their time and work on some techniques to get them more accustomed to the feeling of penetration on their own terms.
“Fleshlights create a closer approximation to penetration without the social pressure of having a partner present,” says Murray. “The person can practice breathwork, the squeeze technique, or the stop-start technique under conditions and stimulation that more closely resemble penetrative sex.”
5. Try the ‘squeeze technique.’
Have your partner pull out when things start to get intense for them, then squeeze the head of their penis, suggests Dr. Debra Laino, DHS, an AASECT-certified sex educator, board-certified clinical sexologist, and relationship therapist based in Delaware. The key is not squeezing the head too hard; just firmly put pressure on the shaft of their penis with your thumb and forefinger. The squeezing can help delay ejaculation, so you two can keep at it longer.
6. Use a condom.
PSA: Condoms are great for prolonging penetration. They create an extra layer of separation, so the sensation isn’t quite as intense. This can delay your partner’s orgasm justtttt long enough to help you get yours.
Speaking of condoms…does the pull-out method work? Watch this to learn more:
7. Try a strap-on.
Say it with me: Strap-ons can be for everyone. Yes, even for those with penises. “There’s nothing wrong with a penis owner wearing a strap-on dildo after they ejaculate and enter the recovery phase,” explains Murray. He adds that you can even use an actual mold of a person’s erect penis to use for penetration. Penis molding kits, anyone?
8. Switch positions.
Most people know when they’re about to orgasm, so have your partner switch positions when they feel like they’re getting close, O’Reilly says.
You might even be able to tell what’s up and take charge: You can usually feel your partner’s testicles tightening and lifting more significantly as they approach orgasm, she says. When a penis-haver orgasms, they have two sets of contractions, with each contraction occurring an average of 0.8 seconds apart from the other, O’Reilly says. Moving at this pace, or faster, and with a predictable rhythm can cause an orgasm, so slowing down or changing up the rhythm can potentially delay the release.
You might have to experiment here to see what works best for you both. (Morse suggests trying moves like getting on top, which will help you control the pace.) Change things up a bit and talk about what your partner likes.
9. Take mini breaks.
No one says you need to go hard and fast the whole time, so add little stops and starts into the mix, Laino says. “While having sex, have your partner pull out and kiss a bit, essentially calming down the excitement,” she says. “This also creates deeper intimacy.”
10. Have them do pelvic-floor exercises.
Fun fact: These aren’t just for vaginas! Penis-owners can do pelvic-floor work, too, and it can make a big difference in the bedroom. One Swedish study found that men who did a few months of pelvic-floor exercises were able to improve their ability to control premature ejaculation. (To be clear, each of the men in the study suffered from lifelong PE issues.)
Whether or not your partner deals with that, encourage them to do some daily exercises while sitting at their desk. (They basically just have to squeeze the muscles between their tailbone and genitals.) It could make a big difference, O’Reilly says, and hey, it can’t hurt!
11. Keep going.
Just because they finish doesn’t mean you have to, says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a sex therapist and licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida.
Laino agrees. “Sex doesn’t have to stop at an orgasm,” she says. “If the afterplay keeps going, it is likely they will get another erection and last a little bit longer the second or third time.”
12. Approach your partner with compassion.
If you’re truly concerned with your partner’s ability to last longer in bed, be empathetic when you talk about it IRL. “There’s a lot of stigma around this issue and it can bring up a lot of negative emotions,” Engle explains. “We honestly put so much pressure on guys to ‘last a long time’ and ‘perform’ that it’s not super shocking that this would get to a lot of people and make them nervous.”
Think about how your partner might react to you bringing up the issue, and map out your approach in a way that they’d take best. You know them better than anyone else!
13. Be solution-focused.
“Bringing up this issue with a partner can be sensitive,” says Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, board certified sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist based in Colorado. So it pays to focus on tangible solutions.
Skyler recommends sticking to the following script. Approach your partner and ask: “Can we chat about a sexual dynamic that I have been noticing?” Then, follow with: “I know this may be hard to hear, but I would like to work on some techniques around lasting longer during sex.” From here, the two of you are free to be solution-focused, meaning you’re ready to figure out a plan of action.
14. Don’t talk about this in the bedroom.
While this issue is sex-related, it’s best to have any conversations surrounding intimacy outside of the bedroom, Engle explains. “Bringing up sexual issues when someone is naked and vulnerable in the moment can be very upsetting,” she says. Instead, have this one at the dinner table or while you guys are watching TV. Try to think of a non-stressful context that will make your partner feel the most comfortable and the least judged.
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15. Give delay spray a shot.
“You can try a delay spray if you’re having issues,” Engle says. Never heard of delay spray? “It utilizes numbing agents to decrease a bit of sensitivity, helping maintain an erection for longer as a result,” explains Engle. Most bottles are pretty affordable, and all you have to do is spray it on your partner’s genitals roughly 10 minutes before sex.
16. Ask what’s making them anxious.
Bottom line: Premature ejaculation oftentimes has to do with anxiety. “The anxiety could be related to life stressors,” explains Skyler. “The anxiety could also be a concern about being with the right partner, getting an STI, or creating an unexpected pregnancy. Most of the time, the anxiety is related to the perception of sex being a performance.”
If you and your partner identify their premature ejaculation issues as anxiety-related, you can rule out any medical or preferential reasoning for the issue. Then, this leaves you the space to address their anxiety head-on, ease their worries and, if things don’t get better, seek therapeutic or medication-related assistance.
17. Don’t approach sex with a failure mindset.
“Feeling nervous about sex can create a negative feedback loop,” Skyler says. “If you feel nervous, you go into the sexual encounter ready for disaster.” This, obviously, is not the recipe for a pleasurable sexual experience, and the nervousness your partner feels may even become a self-fulfilling prophecy, Skyler explains. (Translation: They think they’re gonna come too fast, so they do.)
“To get out of the negative mental loop, it’s important to abandon the idea that sex is a performance,” she says. “When we demand our genitals to perform a sex act, as if on stage, we may experience the subsequent stage fright.” The solution? Well, don’t make sex about performance. Label it as an activity that you two are taking part in together, not something that you need to be ‘good’ at. (Whatever that means!)
18. Try breathing exercises.
Pent up energy and anxiety around sex can, in short, stress anyone out. That’s why you want to make sure your partner’s body is as relaxed as possible, both physically and mentally. “You want to quiet the anxiety in your body,” Skyler says. “To do this, take some slow, deep breaths into the core of your belly. You can also do progressive muscle relaxation where you squeeze a body part and hold your breath, then release and relax. The goal with slow breathing is to achieve a state of relaxation as if you are melting into your mattress.”
And yes, doing these breathing exercises may mean pausing in the middle of foreplay or sex to take a few of those deep belly breaths, Skyler says. Try to reframe your interpretation of intercourse to include these moments of pause, breathing, and relaxation, if you can.
19. Take charge.
If you’re worried that your partner might feel weird about taking a few minutes for themselves to relax, you can, instead, make it totally about you, Skyler says. You can address your desire to try a new breathing technique during or before your next intercourse session, saying something like: “I’m working on a new skill set to last longer, would you mind pausing while I relax for a few moments?”
“Most partners are totally game to be part of the learning process and supportive for the long-term gains,” Skyler says, especially if it’s about you. This takes the pressure off of them, and instead, the ball is in your court to introduce the activities you want to try.
20. Find your endurance zone.
Skyler also recommends engaging in an uplifting, confidence-boosting masturbation sesh. “Practice self-pleasure as if you are having sex,” she says. Lay next to each other and start touching yourselves, almost bringing yourselves to climax.
“Replicate the position, use lube, and slow down the breathing and stroking. Your goal here is to find a state of manageable arousal level you can endure. I literally call this the endurance zone,” Skyler says. This may mean stopping altogether at times to regroup and breathe, but the more you practice, the more confidence your partner will have in managing their erection. (And you’ll learn more about your own limits, too.)
21. Bring games into the mix.
Look, it can be super difficult to talk about sex, even if it’s with a long-term partner. That said, you can make things easier by incorporating games into your sexual repertoire.
Need some inspo? Try out question-inducing games like the Kinky Confessions Truth or Dare Card Game or the Use Your Mouth Sex and Relationship Conversation Starter Cards, suggests Shamyra Howard, LCSW, Lovehoney’s sex and relationship expert. “These are fun, engaging ways to talk about sex and increase sexual intimacy,” Howard says. It’s basically the perfect moment to talk about making sex last longer without it being awkward.
22. Check your medications.
“There are several reasons why some penis owners might not last as long as they’d want to in bed, including health issues and side effects from certain medications,” Howard says. “Be sure to check with a medical professional to rule out any possible medical issues that could contribute to sexual issues.”
This is especially pertinent to note if your partner is on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, since taking these meds is commonly associated with sexual dysfunction as a side effect.
When should my partner and/or I see a doctor?
Reaching out to a third party for professional help can make all the difference. And the only one who can determine when it’s time to see an expert is the person experiencing it. Sex should be pleasurable and enjoyable, but if you feel like premature ejaculation is becoming a hindrance to your experience, then consulting a urologist or sex therapist may be a great place to start.
“Urologists can help assess, diagnose, and provide treatment options for premature ejaculation,” says Dr. Elist. He adds that premature ejaculation can be lifelong. It can also be acquired due to stress and anxiety, being in a new relationship, coming out of a divorce, or an underlying health condition. Speaking with a urologist can help determine the best course of action based on the cause. Treatments may include pelvic floor exercises, natural supplements, lidocaine sprays, and SSRIs.
A sex therapist, on the other hand, can assist by working through any stress and anxiety that may cause or be the result of premature ejaculation. Going to sex therapy with your partner might also address any feelings that come up from both parties. You’ve got this!
Korin Miller is a freelance writer who lives by the beach. She has big hopes to own a teacup pig and taco truck one day.
Sabrina is an editorial assistant for Women’s Health. When she’s not writing, you can find her running, training in mixed martial arts, or reading.
