Sex can quickly change how you feel, from amazingly amazing to totally disappointing.
We’ve all been there: one minute you’re feeling totally low, then suddenly a partner comes along and you’re smitten and start seeing the world through rose-tinted lenses again, or, on the other extreme, you wake up after lackluster sex and feel like the shrug emoji incarnate.
So what’s the deal? Can we really pick up on bad vibes from suspicious people? Are we wasting our energy by jumping into bed with chaotic strangers?
It doesn’t seem like a black and white story, so I spoke to an expert. Let’s take a look.
After all, it’s about more than just being excited about someone you have feelings for.
“We are energy beings, and during sexual intercourse, the energies of both partners mix,” explains Pochan Su, M.D. “All sexual activity is an exchange of energy. [because] Any sexual activity raises or lowers your energy levels.”
“So sexual intimacy is not a purely psychological or physiological or mechanical act,” Sue says. “Rather, it is an energetic act. When we are intimate with someone, two energies merge.”
It may sound confusing, but a lot of it comes down to semantics – the words we use to describe and express sex.
Essentially, every connection between humans can be described as an exchange of energy, and because humans are sensitive creatures, every relationship has an impact or leaves an impression on us, whether we realize it or not.
“The idea of sexual energy exchange hasn’t been explored in depth in research, but the concept is very common in relationships and sexual activity,” explains clinical psychologist Carla Manley.
“In essence, just as we are affected by another person’s positive mood or toxic energy, we are certainly affected in the same way during sexual activity,” she says.
You may be able to feel the energy of a person even after they have left the room. At least believe We act accordingly. This idea, known as “emotional residue,” has been observed in numerous cultures throughout history.
“The substantial body of research applicable to the issue of sexual energy exchange demonstrates that humans and animals are profoundly affected by both intimate and non-intimate interactions with others,” Manley says.
In fact, researchers at Stanford University concluded that one of the best ways to take control of your emotions is to start with choosing your environment.
Emotions are infectious, and what happens in bed is no exception. Your partner’s mood and energy are likely to make you feel a certain way.
So should you be more selective about who you sleep with? Not necessarily. But it’s worth taking the time to be self-aware and harness your sexual energy. It’s essential to take your emotions into account when having sex.
The best thing to do is know your intentions beforehand, says Lena Elkhatib, LMFT, a sex and relationship therapist and founder of Essentia Therapy.
“Getting in touch with your sexual energy requires a high level of self-awareness and authenticity that comes through mindfulness, acceptance, intention, and alignment with your body, emotions, and partner,” El Khatib explains.
Is it time to psychoanalyze your last one-night stand? No, but paying attention to your body before and during sex is important and worth keeping in mind next time.
“It means paying unbiased attention to what our bodies are trying to tell us about how we’re feeling in the present moment,” she says. “That level of attunement allows us to be aware of what’s really going on within ourselves as we engage with our partner.”
Whatever your spiritual beliefs, this level of self-awareness can lead to deeper sexual attunement and getting in touch with what drives your deepest desires.
“By paying attention to your body in the present moment, you may be able to notice when your pit of stomach is trying to tell you that you don’t feel safe or comfortable with your partner,” Elkhatib adds.
“Noticing, listening to and respecting these body cues will increase the likelihood of sleeping with someone whose sexual energy matches yours,” she says.
That’s not to say you’ll never feel bad from less-than-mediocre sex, but it’s certainly less likely that you will. Sex is a powerful force, a force that can help you find meaning in yourself and the world around you.
“If your body is letting you know you’re feeling anxious or embarrassed, or if you feel like something’s not right, continuing with sex will likely lead to a very disappointing sexual experience, compounding your anxiety and embarrassment, and amplifying your negative energy,” Elkhatib says.
The type of sex doesn’t matter – weekend flings, group sex, monogamy, etc. It all comes down to figuring out what you want and what feels good to you.
“Some people want intimate sex, some people want casual sex,” says Sam Nabil, licensed professional counselor and CEO of Naya Clinic. “It all depends on what your sexual needs are.”
For example, if you desire an emotional connection with a sexual partner, having a relationship with a stranger is likely not going to be particularly satisfying.
“There’s an unfair dynamic that can lead to people asking for more,” Nabil says.
To prevent this, Nabil recommends doing some introspective work to discover your own sexual needs and desires.
It’s a good idea to celebrate the diversity of humankind, and our sex lives are no exception: we each have different needs, preferences, things that turn us on and things that don’t, and it’s impossible to say that a one-size-fits-all sexual experience is possible, because it definitely isn’t.
So instead of over-analysing your partner’s energy, ask yourself: “What do I want from this and what is my body trying to tell me right now?” If you’re happy with what you find, keep going.
Sara Lempa is the founder of Dang Fine Creative, a digital content agency, author and entrepreneur. Her writing covers travel, mental health, business, sex, relationships, and anything else that currently inspires her. Her articles have appeared in Business Insider, VICE, HuffPost, Lonely Planet, and more. Originally from the Chicago area, she has called multiple countries home and traveled to six continents along the way. When she’s not working on her craft, you can find her soaking up some groovy beats or riding her bike. Follow Sara on Instagram.
