last winter, I I started falling in love with a man who told me he wasn’t human, not really human. Perhaps the first warning sign was when he told me he wasn’t from here, and by here I mean Earth, of course.
At a conference I attended in Montreal last year, I arrived at the seminar room and sat down in one of the last available seats. At first I thought it was some divine coincidence, a beautiful coincidence, that the only seat I could sit in was right next to him. But maybe everyone else in the room noticed something I didn’t. Perhaps the empty seat was another warning.
Immediately he leaned over to me and asked if I spoke French. I don’t think so. What do you think? He didn’t. He asked me if I was Cree. In that moment, I was stunned. After so many years of wandering around white Ivy League society, I finally felt seen. He was Smerkmix and Blackfoot.
When it was time for me to leave and return to the group of attendees, I said my goodbyes. It was an honor meeting you. He pulled out his phone and asked if I wanted to sign up, and I did. He immediately texted me and said he liked my energy, which was refreshing and a wonderful compliment. Oh my, little one, that looks great..
I saw him arrive at the restaurant first that night. I stopped outside my Uber and watched him walk in. His long hair peeked out from under his hat. His earrings swayed softly, and his jacket was bright and indigenous and proud. I watched him move with what I thought at the time were the graceful movements of a gazelle, but it could have been the stalking of a cougar or a lynx, always on the lookout for its next prey.
Over dinner, he told me that when he saw me walk into the meeting room, his spirit called to me as if he had been waiting for me for centuries. The next three days were filled with tender moments, soft kisses, and whispers that he tasted like soapberries. He shared his vision of the future and made grand declarations that God’s guidance and the universe were aligning our paths.
if you Love BombOkay, I’ll be the first to admit how good it feels to have one romantic comment after another made about me. There’s a reason this tactic is so effective. But once you’re in the relationship and feel like the other person has you hooked, that’s where the cracks really start to show.
Love bombers are the worst. But love bombers who use spirituality to manipulate members of their same cultural community are a special kind of evil. They seduces in a very specific way. Many of us yearn to be understood for all our sensitive and destructive tendencies, and for many minority groups, a large part of that understanding is intertwined with our cultural beliefs about the universe.
As an Indigenous woman, I have dated a few white men, but there were parts of me that I had to hide from them because their worldview was so different from mine. It could be difficult to share with them my experiences in sweat lodges, powwows, prayers, healing circles, and what I mean when I say I always feel the presence of Kokum.
I didn’t have to continue to build certain walls against the man who told me I wasn’t human, that I really wasn’t. I was able to tell him about things I’d seen that most of white society would not accept or embrace. Indigenous people live in connection to their ancestors and loved ones who have passed away, knowing that one day they will join them in the spirit world. It’s something I believe with all my heart, but it’s not easy for non-spiritual (or non-indigenous) people to accept.
So the interaction between me and Lovebomber felt so intimate and full of potential, and he sensed that and used it to his advantage.
One moment he would say something kind to me, and the next he would become cold and distant.
Ten days after we met, when I visited this man on his land in the Similkameen Valley, he took me to Coyote’s Eye, where we prayed and thanked him for welcoming me onto his land. We drove through Ashnola and were mesmerized by the way the ponderosa pines slope gently downward, mimicking the waterways that push down into the earth and into the river. Members of his community welcomed me into their sacred pit house and helped me hang a cedar branch with a black widow spider slithering down its web. I settled in comfortably and listened to the story of the Smerkmix people.
I felt that in my bones when one of our most senior storytellers spoke of how special it was to have their Cree relatives from across the mountains in this room together tonight, and how our collaboration and sharing of collective knowledge is essential to maintaining and preserving our language.
But when I was in his space or his home, the warning signs started to flicker, and I’m grateful that I had learned how to keep an eye out for them.
He tried to convince me that I was insecure, but I didn’t agree. He implied that I needed to heal as a person and would often imply that I had no self-love. That was the first time that the hairs on my body started standing on end, because for years I had been so confident, self-assured, and full of a strong sense of self. One moment he would have warm words for me, and the next he would be cold and distant.
It was no coincidence that around him I began to regain the self-esteem that had come so easily before. he He had not recovered from the trauma he had experienced, and he was projecting it onto me, trying to relieve his own insecurity by making me feel insecure as a woman.
I am grateful for the moment he told me not to trust his best friend’s girlfriend. In my heart, I felt the opposite. I felt a connection with this woman. And that prompted me to look into the love bomber warnings. I spoke to her and exposed all of the lies and manipulation tactics this guy used. After all, he was trying to get his ex-girlfriend back all the while making plans for a future with me. He said he wasn’t a person, but he really wasn’t.
I always find meaning in the life around me, it’s the very specific events that have guided me on the path I need to follow. Sometimes the lessons are only revealed in hindsight. The gift of uncovering lies is as beautiful as it is difficult. In my case, the veil was lifted, the rose-tinted shadows were shattered, and I was confronted with nothing less than a manipulative person. It became clear to me then.
So say your goodbyes, take a bath, light some sage and cleanse your space, and tell yourself to never trust anyone who claims they’re not human.
