If you’re like me, you probably have a so-called friend (or three) whose iChat threads can be summed up with 5 happy birthday messages and 0 replies a year. (If you’re lucky, you might even get a thank you prayer emoji every three years.) Yes, that’s called a one-sided friendship.
But sometimes it can be difficult to tell if a friendship is lopsided, and there are some subtle signs that your bond may not be the healthiest.That’s why I tapped my therapist and spilled that’s right What to look for and how to deal with the problem. Read our expert advice. You may no longer need to use a prayer emoji or two.
Signs of a one-sided friendship
“When a friendship is out of balance, one person takes up too much space and the other person takes up too little space,” he says. Caitlin Kindman, LCSW, practice director and co-founder of Kindman & Co. in Los Angeles. “People with too little space rarely get what they need from the friendship, and one or both of them are unable to be their true selves.”
Of course, some out-of-sync friendships are more dysfunctional than others, and all friendships go through periods where the focus is more on some people than others. However, if your friendship exhibits one or more of the following signs, you may be dealing with more than the usual ups and downs of a relationship.
1. They put you down.
Friendship is about supporting each other. So if someone feels unsupportive, that can be a good sign that something is wrong. In a situation where someone is actively attacking you, Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City, suggests warning them about the consequences of their actions. “People who form one-sided friendships tend to treat others as objects rather than as multidimensional people,” Romanoff says. In order for them to understand the impact of their actions, you need to tell them how you feel.
2. They always have the right to decide.
“This person is always deciding which restaurant to go to or which movie to watch, and can get upset if things don’t go their way,” Kindman says. These relationships become one-sided because you may have given up on finding a compromise. It can be difficult to say “no” to these kinds of friends, even as you become increasingly resentful that things always seem to follow their whims and desires.
3. Friends only respond when it’s convenient for them.
Feeling like you’re the only one making the effort to reach out can be exhausting AF…and a clue that this friendship isn’t a two-way street.
If your messages always go unanswered, it might be time to speak up. “To avoid the armor of defense, express your feelings to the other person by using the word ‘I’ rather than the word ‘you’ to indicate how their actions are affecting you.” Let’s tell them,” Romanoff says.
For example, “I feel so bad when I reach out to check on the progress of your work drama and you don’t hear back a week later. You’re in the middle of a difficult issue with your boss.” I know you might be, but a simple question like, “Hey, today has been a bad day for me, can we find time to chat next week?” I feel like you’re making an effort to stay connected and that even if it’s the worst of times now, you’ll make time for us later. ”
4. You feel like a dumping ground for all of them.
“In these relationships, one person often has little or no interest in the other person’s life, feelings, or thoughts, and will often call, email, or discuss their own problems in person.” says clinical psychologist and author Dr. Carla Marie Manley.of joy from fear. “In doing so, the recipient’s friend may end up feeling hurt, irritated, and ultimately resentful.” Especially when they stick the happy hour tab after venting and running. (true story.)
Again, verbalizing your feelings to your friend and expressing your concerns when they arise is key to rebuilding balance and repairing strained relationships.
5. They cancel you all. of. time.
Sherry Schuyler Kelly, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and positive teens and coaching of the mind and heart, If you think you might be in a sloppy friendship, I recommend you keep this in mind. Look for patterns, she says. If it’s an infrequent and legitimate cancellation, that’s perfectly normal, but if it’s a regular one, they may surprise you by rejoining you on FaceTime or ask you to reschedule your fifth coffee hang. Be careful whether you do or not.
6. You will get a one word text response.
Well, “Okay, thank you” and “That’s fine” are both essentially monosyllabic in nature. If your text messages regularly receive very short responses, that’s a good indicator that your friendship isn’t always rosy.
“In a one-sided relationship, replies are short, sometimes incomplete, and don’t go beyond the message,” he says. darcy brown, LMFT, therapist in San Diego, California. “If you’re feeling irritated or dissatisfied with your text conversations, it might be worth thinking about whether this friendship is fulfilling you or just draining you.”
7. You feel burdened by all the details you know about their lives.
Sadly, the friendship highway can feel like a one-way street when the other person doesn’t even know the city you grew up in or your alma mater. “A common example is one person remembering and celebrating special events, such as birthdays or other important events, while the other person is only concerned with their own needs.” Manley says. Or maybe they just don’t feel like remembering your name. perry and it’s not perry. (Another true story!)
8. Your friendship is taking a toll on your self-confidence.
Of course, this can happen in many different ways. Chances are, their photos are all over IG at events they weren’t invited to. Or maybe you’re offended about your love of comic books.
“These one-sided friendships can be detrimental to your health because they’re a drain on your energy rather than a source of energy,” Brown says. If you start to question aspects of your personality or self-worth, it’s time to rip the band-aid off.
9. Empathy isn’t in their dictionary.
But really, but. “Toxic friends don’t want what’s best for you, so they won’t understand or empathize with you when you’re struggling,” says founder Sam Nabil. naya clinic In Boston. “They may say ‘too bad’ to you, secretly enjoying the fact that you’re having a hard time.”
10. I don’t think this person is really listening to you.
What exactly is friendship without genuine listening? It is no exaggeration to say that there is a considerable shortage.
“When you’re trying to share something that’s important to you, you may find that the person isn’t listening at all,” says Tamekis Williams, LCSW, therapist and owner. real solutions In Georgia, these friends may not answer your calls, abruptly cut off the conversation when you begin to share, or constantly redirect the conversation back to “their problems, needs, and desires.” It was pointed out that there are many
11. They just don’t have concerns when you express them.
It can be quite painful to be vulnerable and share your relationship struggles with a friend, only to be met with defensiveness, indifference, or a complete lack of respect. “Walk away from the friendship until the other person can make an effort to create balance in the relationship,” says Williams.
And don’t doubt your decision. Jeez. Taking care of ourselves and our time and energy is the greatest gift we humans can give to our troubled souls. “Not everyone deserves to be considered a friend,” Williams added.
12. I’m in a bad mood after chatting.
If you regularly feel depressed after QTing with a particular friend, pay close attention. “One-sided friendships take away and never truly give,” says Nabil. “This can affect your mood and you may ask yourself if something is wrong. you While trying to sort out what’s going on. ”
13. They come to you regularly when they are dealing with a crisis.
And yet, when the tables are turned, they mysteriously go MIA! When they need advice or help, whether it’s school, work, or personal issues, they flock to you and never return the favor. For example, they may come to you when they need help with a job Q, but when you’re looking for their expertise, you’ll never get there, says therapist and founder of LMFT. Jeannie Y. Chan says. change provider In North Carolina.
14. I feel like I’m their parent/partner/therapist/punching bag.
In therapist jargon, this is called unilateral emotional labor. “If one friend is always in the role of emotional support, friendships can become lopsided,” he says. Sarah Epstein, a psychotherapist in Philadelphia. “Yes, there are times in friendships when one of the friends is going through a tough time and needs more of the relationship, and sometimes it’s extended. But that dynamic is what makes friendships so special. That’s a problem.”
15. You just feel “weird” about the friendship.
Sometimes it’s not that there’s anything specific, but just an overall lingering intuition that things aren’t right. “If you feel something isn’t right, you’re probably in a one-sided friendship,” says Orlandoni. Friendship is one-sided. ”
So, is it time to break up with your friends?
By now, if you’ve nodded to any or all of the tips above, you’ve probably identified friendships in your life that meet these criteria.
It’s not easy to accept that, so acknowledge it, feel all your emotions, and be kind to yourself. “Humans crave connection and inclusion more than we realize,” says psychotherapist Colleen Woodward, LMSW. Good Place Therapy & Consulting in New York City. “So when you finally open up and connect with people who have become friends, it can feel like a real letdown when the relationship becomes one-sided.” She added that it could also harm the person.
Communication is important at this time. “It’s hard to be vulnerable, but remember that friends aren’t mind readers. In fact, your friend may be telling you that you feel disrespected and that you need more connection.” you may not even realize it,” Woodward says.
- Ask yourself: Is my friend temporarily in a bad situation, or is this a long-term pattern? (It’s okay to be busy at work or need to vent more than usual, but it shouldn’t be all about you!)
- Tell a friend: Don’t point fingers, explain how you feel
- Establish next steps. What does it take to move a relationship forward?
- Get ready to move on. If this conversation doesn’t lead to the change you want and deserve, feel free to walk away. “Remember that they may not be able to provide you with what you need, and that’s okay,” says Woodward.
