High school will be different.
At least, that’s how it started for Ashley Bendixen.
After being bullied in middle school, her freshman year showed promise.
A boy approached her while she was dancing. That led to her first relationship.
“I felt like I was on a pink glowing cloud,” Bendixen said.
That all changed when her boyfriend started pressuring her to meet secretly and lie to her parents. Despite his repeated insistence, Bendixsen relented.
Their secret date felt uncomfortable and came with expectations for which Bendixsen was not prepared.
Her boyfriend then started bullying her and spreading rumors at school. The bullying has returned.
“This very sweet, wonderful boyfriend just changed one day,” Bendixen said. “I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
Lacking coping skills, Bendixen turned to drugs and alcohol. She had a hard time with her eating habits. Her self-image took a hit.
“I looked in the mirror and tried to differentiate myself,” she said. “I didn’t like what I saw.”
Bendixen began her talk Thursday night at Northview Church to a small group of middle and high school students.
The talk, which focused on healthy relationships and mental health for children, concluded the Howard County Family Services Association’s annual Child Abuse Prevention Conference held earlier in the day. This year was the first time that a lecture centered on students was held.
Bendixen is a national speaker and activist from Rhode Island who focuses on domestic and teen dating violence, sexual assault, and resilience issues.
Bendixsen was in an abusive relationship when she was a freshman in high school, but she didn’t realize it until much later. One in three teenagers has experienced abuse in a dating relationship.
And like most teenagers, she didn’t speak up. Of the teens who actually speak up, only about a third of them tell their girlfriends.
Bendixen encouraged the children to talk about how they were feeling. This spreads negative emotions and reduces brain chemical activity.
“When you don’t want to talk about anxiety, it’s like running the show,” she said.
Bendixen also spoke at the Child Abuse Prevention Conference that day. Her talk earlier in the afternoon addressed current challenges facing students and mental health. The audience was mostly adults.
“The biggest takeaway for them is how we reach kids,” Bendixen said.
This includes fostering good relationships, making children feel connected, starting conversations, and identifying red flags.
Other speakers include Trisha Pickett of Ascent 121, an Indianapolis organization that provides care to survivors of sex trafficking, and Kokomo native Carla Carlisle, who spoke about her experiences as a foster and adoptive parent.
Back in high school, Bendixen told herself she would be okay and thought things would work out, but the struggle continued.
In college, she dated a man who was too dominant and was forced to drop out of school. Bendixen was isolated from her friends and family and living in her car. she was 18 years old.
“I started to think that maybe bad things were meant to happen to me,” Bendixen said.
She eventually worked up the courage to end her relationship with her college boyfriend. As a result, the man had a physical reaction. Bendixen called police.
“I never thought he could do that,” she said.
He will be charged with assault. In a way, it was a page-turner.
Bendixen remembers coming out of court realizing that she wasn’t living for herself, and hadn’t been for a long time.
“My life has been run by those toxic people,” she said.
Avoiding toxic people was another message she encouraged students to keep in mind.
If your friend group is studious and does well in school, you will too. If your friends participate in sports, clubs, and activities, you will too.
The same goes for dealing with negative people.
“We are surrounded by matter,” Bendixsen says.
When she was younger, she felt disgusted after leaving the courthouse for a hearing. Bendixen decided to start looking at himself more positively.
“It’s stupid advice, but we want to talk to ourselves like we’re our best friends,” she said.
Bendixen sought a domestic violence shelter. The staff there asked her to tell her story. That launched her speaking career.
She returned to school and graduated at the top of her class. Mr. Bendixen helped lobby for policy changes and helped pass a new law in Massachusetts.
She also founded the Blue Hearts Project, a platform where other survivors can share their stories.
As Bendixen travels around the country to share his story, he sees kids dealing with more issues than previous generations.
Some of these issues span generations, such as worries about future life, social comparisons, and academic success. But thanks to social media, Bendixen said more children are concerned about global issues because they have access to news all day every day.
“They have a lot to think about,” she said. “Kids are full of so much stuff.”
