A grieving mother has emotionally recounted how her 22-year-old “free-spirit” daughter took her own life during an intensive 10-day meditation retreat, warning others about the potential dangers of the ancient mindfulness practice which is often compared to “mind surgery”.
In a recent episode of the Financial Times podcast series “The Retreat,” Natalie St. Maurice of Ontario, Canada, recalled what it was like to find out that her daughter, Jackie McDermott, had committed suicide in October 2022 after attending a Vipassana meditation retreat.
“It was just unimaginable. I couldn’t believe it. And then I remember falling to the ground. Oh my God, it was awful,” she said.
A trained meditator, Jaki traveled around the country in a van that she had converted into a mobile home, posting updates about her van life on her Facebook page wherever she went.
In the spring of 2022, she was working on a farm in British Columbia planting trees when she decided to attend a retreat led by Indian guru S.N. Goenka in Merritt, Canada.
The practice involves extended periods of silent meditation, up to 10 to 11 hours each day, and participants must live in modest accommodation and abstain from reading, writing and even talking to their classmates.
The 2,500-year-old meditation technique, also known as “mind surgery”, is enjoying renewed modern-day attention, with wealthy and famous people including Oprah Winfrey, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey and pop star Katy Perry counting themselves as practitioners.
The application process included a questionnaire about her mental health history, in which Jaki acknowledged that she had suffered from suicidal thoughts as a teenager, but said she had not had such thoughts for seven years.
When she arrived at the meditation facility, in accordance with center policy, volunteers took her cell phone and van keys for the duration of the meditation.
After nine days of intensive 10-hour meditation sessions starting at 4am each day, Jaki “left the course in the middle of the night” and staff were unable to find her.
Natalie would later learn that Jackie had been experiencing emotional upheaval in the days leading up to her disappearance.
“The administrative staff member who contacted us had spoken to the assistant teacher on the phone and all he said was that the assistant teacher had had a rough day and was crying,” Natalie told presenter Marriage.
“She was obviously in pain, and we said, ‘And that’s why you put her to bed?’ And he was like, ‘Oh, we were going to work on it tomorrow.’”
After Natalie made frantic attempts to contact her missing daughter but failed, police found her van parked on the side of the road about 30 miles from the meditation center.
She enlisted the help of friends and family in the search, and they combed the forest for a week, looking for the young aspiring artist, but on the eighth day, police delivered shocking news: Jaqi’s body had been found.
Police later determined that Jackie left the center between 9pm and 8am the following morning and abandoned the van because it ran out of gas. The coroner determined she died on October 2, 2022.
A subsequent police report seen by Untold detailed Jaki’s struggles during the retreat, including “constant emotional episodes” that were “unusual in their ongoing nature.”
“Jacqueline appeared to be ashamed of her previous actions but would not disclose what they were. However, Jacqueline did not show any signs of suicidal thoughts or self-harm,” the report said.
Natalie was devastated by the loss and said on the podcast that she doesn’t think her daughter should have been allowed to flee in her car, and that her life may have been saved if the center had notified authorities sooner.
“She had the keys somehow. If your policy is to have the keys returned, there’s a reason for it, so enforce that policy.”
Every year thousands of people attend the Goenka Network’s 10-day retreats to learn Vipassana meditation. There is no cost to attend, including meals and accommodation.
The program is funded entirely by donations from past participants who want to share their experience with others.
The Vipassana Meditation Centre in Merritt, B.C., did not respond to a message seeking comment.
