Mary was no longer able to have sex with her husband of 15 years. The problems began when she found out he was having an affair. He ended it and apologized, but Mary was not moved by his touch the way she used to. Her body did not respond.
She had tried reading the Kama Sutra, a famous book on sex styles, and trying new techniques, but nothing worked, so she came to a sexology clinic seeking help.
“I want to give myself to my husband and feel intimate and connected like before but unfortunately it’s not working. I bleed inside and hate having sex with my husband!” she explained.
After much research, I realized that Mary’s body, mind and soul were no longer united in her marriage. Sex is not just two bodies rubbing together. It involves a marriage of soul and spirit. When body, soul and spirit are not acting in unison, sex becomes a traumatic experience.
Have you ever felt guilty after enjoying sex? That is a sign of a disconnection between the trinity of body, soul and spirit. The same goes for feeling dirty, impure or ashamed after sex.
The issue here is that human beings are complex. It is a higher spiritual vision that drives people’s lives. In many religions, that spiritual agenda is achieved by living according to prescribed values. In some religions, higher fulfillment is achieved by remaining celibate, while in others, it is achieved by engaging in sexual activity within social and cultural boundaries.
For the average human being, sex, done right, brings about a connection not only to the earthly but also to the metaphysical world. The spiritual connection through the ritual of sex is intricately intertwined with both the earthly and metaphysical worlds. The unity of body, soul and spirit brings about peace, joy and hope for a better future.
“Doctor, I understand what you’re saying, but this all sounds like religious rhetoric,” Mary interjected. “I wish we were just medical and I could get an earthly solution to my problem.”
Well, religion is not the only place where sex is spiritualized. There is a rich scientific literature on the spirituality of sex, which explains many things that happen during sex that cannot be explained by the biological nature of the union.
“I give up!” Mary cried, tired of the religious talk at the sexology clinic.
“Okay, Mary. You said you’ve been reading the famous Kama Sutra and trying out new sex styles?” I asked.
Mary nodded and leaned back in her seat, looking more comfortable. The spiritual talk had driven her crazy, so a return to the Kama Sutra was a welcome change of pace.
I looked up my Kama Sutra and drew her attention to the introductory paragraph, then read it out loud.
“First, find meaning in your existence. What are your personal principles and needs? What are you called to do? What is your mission? Then, get your home and your career on track. Give shape to your life. Have a philosophy that guides you and apply it to your daily concerns. Only then will you be ready to learn how to love.”
I reminded Mary that sex is not just a physical act, and that without a purpose in life that resides in the soul and spirit, no matter how innovative a style of sex you try, it will never work.
She subconsciously interpreted her situation as a disconnection from her natural connection to divine fulfillment because her husband had become spiritually and divinely connected with another woman.
Her body was dominated by her soul and her spirit, and she was unable to have an intimate relationship with the man she originally loved. As stated in the Kama Sutra, she was not ready to make love under those circumstances.
Suddenly, Mary broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. Our conversation did not continue any further. After two hours of trying to calm her down to no avail, I encouraged her to take a break and come back the next day.
Maria returned home accompanied by her husband. She spoke passionately of her desire to be godly and connected to God throughout her marriage. She lamented that her husband, John, had destroyed her destiny. Suddenly they both burst into tears, and John moved to embrace Maria tightly.
“So how do we resolve this psychological crisis?” I asked, unsure of how to proceed with the treatment.
“If we don’t have another wedding, my marriage is doomed,” Mary replied, unable to contain her emotions.
At that time, I called a pastor to the clinic and the Sexuality Clinic became a church for the first time. I was the best man for the bride and groom when the wedding vows were read, and the nurse on duty was the bridesmaid.
As the couple walked away holding hands in newfound love, I was left confused and unsure how to deal with infidelity going forward.
Professor Ossar is an expert in reproductive and sexual health.
