Roman Cabay
To those who knew me at the time, conversion was an absurd prospect. I had been raised a non-denominational Protestant, attending Anglican and Methodist services as well as Sunday school. Church to me was an endless lecture where I futilely tried to apostatize. Faith was a personal conviction that my various shortcomings would destroy me. Eventually, unable to rationalize my apparent condemnation to eternal damnation with the notion of an omnipotent and loving Creator, the inertia of my inherited piety gave way and I surrendered to a militant and hopeless atheism. I sleepwalked, in the manner characteristic of the postmodern generation, toward an increasingly vulgar and empty worldview in which humans are cosmic accidents, consciousness is an electrical phenomenon, and existence is an arbitrary imposition. Many have had a “revelation,” or a “god awakening moment,” or a “moment of clarity” – a very brief spiritual experience that forever precludes the possibility of a vulgar, empirically atheistic worldview. I had one such experience and decided to pursue faith. In the end, the only attractive option was Roman Catholicism, and I decided to convert by the first semester of my final year of college, without having ever attended mass in my life.
element
To understand the heart of a convert, I will highlight two of the most important elements of Catholicism in my life. In the process of coming to terms with the faith, I was puzzled by the apparent unpopularity of confession among liberal Catholics. Apart from the theological necessity of confession, reconciliation was something I longed for. Confession is to the soul what medicine is to the body. Imagine a man staggering along, dazed from blood loss but refusing medical treatment. You can see the silent weight of guilt on the shoulders of the non-confessor. Of course, the full pursuit of grace must be accomplished not only by ritual but also by deed. Nevertheless, the sacrament of reconciliation gives us a real opportunity to face ourselves. Private reflection on our own mistakes can and often fails, leading to self-congratulation (downplaying our own mistakes out of pride) or, worse, self-pity. To wallow in guilt is a common form of arrogance, one that claims to be uniquely ugly and so irredeemably dotted with the only means of self-condemnation, and therefore cannot seek or expect any personal improvement. Most of the pride of our generation is a self-hating pride, accepting the comfort of giving up because it is easier to think oneself incorrigibly unworthy than to confront the devil and improve as a person. Confession forces one to accept that one is not special. You, like everyone else, are forgiven for your sins. You just have to accept it. The major contradiction at the heart of Protestantism is that there is an absolute, uncompromising truth that all must recognize and live by…but this truth can only be interpreted and acted upon by different individuals. Of course, this has resulted in Protestant denominations dividing and multiplying like cells in a petri dish, but in addition, it creates obvious theological problems. If your church places so much importance on personal judgment that it has actually separated from other sects in order to maintain it, it leaves itself open to misinterpretation.
Argument
Recently I had an argument with a Baptist who mocked my faith for its various shortcomings, but by what standard should I measure the Holy See? Should I compare it to the “worst” Baptist churches, or the “best” Baptist churches? Furthermore, if I were to base my judgment on a standard of morality, on what authority would it be? Simply stating “the Bible” is in effect a refusal to ask the question. Jehovah’s Witnesses and megachurch evangelicals promising riches to their followers shows how easy it is to create a crazy cult “based” on the Bible. Essentially, a non-hierarchical system is very vulnerable to abuse by unscrupulous or incompetent actors for a variety of reasons, and parishioners need to be constantly vigilant. Since there is no guarantee that the pastor is telling the truth, one must refer to the Bible to doubt his every word and to one’s own judgment as the basis of one’s faith. If the church does not give one the assurance of truth, then why on earth would I go to church? “Amen” does not mean “agree.” You know that the rich intellectual tradition of Catholic scholars and the erudite history of the faith are imprinted on you.
Are we so unworthy that any attempt to direct ourselves towards God will fail? Is constant division and theological debate the best we can hope for?
Now, what I am trying to say here is that Catholicism is a religion of fools and ignorant people. Your monk may be nearly illiterate, but if he performs the rituals correctly, his worship and yours will be perfectly valid. Likewise, the most miserable fool in the world (that could be you or me!) can peacefully go to Mass or say the Rosary. These are ways of worship sanctified from on high by the authority of God. Considerable errors of personal judgment are completely removed from the question.
Finally, there is something conceptually depressing about the idea that no human institution is unworthy of religious law. Are humans so fallible that we are doomed to a primitive and simplistic understanding of religion? Are we so unworthy that any attempt to direct ourselves toward God is doomed to failure? Is constant division and theological debate the best we can hope for? For no reason more complicated than simple faith, I would like to believe that we can dare to believe in one holy, catholic and apostolic Church.
