at the end of everything real housewife This time of year, reunions are the perfect place to gossip, enjoy the shade, and badmouth. With nowhere to hide (even those who go wild always come back), the women are held accountable for their actions by host Andy Cohen, the audience, and, of course, each other. While some have acknowledged their mistakes, made amends and offered a path to resolution with their former enemies, others stand by what they say. Either way, they are forced to admit who they are and what they have done in a strange kind of purification ritual.
By the end of the reunion, everyone is good enough to have a group toast and enjoy a few months off from filming. For those of us who don’t enjoy nationally televised catharsis, coming to terms with our mistakes, wrongdoings, and everything else that makes us a work in progress is not an easy task, but a welcome one. But not.
Dr. Gabriel Flackman, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Columbia University Medical Center, says, “We fear what we will find if we look too closely at our own cheating and its underlying causes. “The cause often stems from past wounds.” “It’s difficult to confront how pain affects our lives by participating in acts that violate our values.” Add in the fear of rejection and it’s like rubbing salt in a wound. You already feel like crap. Should you now broadcast it to the world, or at least to the person you wronged?
yes i will. You’ll feel better afterward, I promise. Although you can’t control someone’s reaction or undo what’s already been done, it helps to know that you’ve tried everything to make it right, Flackman says. Unlike an apology, admitting something (like a mistake at work or a minor injury to your sister) requires more accountability for yourself and the people involved. Self-reflection is also necessary to prevent it from happening again, but that doesn’t necessarily happen through an apology.in W.H. We love to celebrate our victories, but what about when we embrace the not-so-shiny parts of ourselves? “It’s an investment in becoming a better person,” says Alessandra Mikic, LMSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. To do this, follow these steps:
1. Let’s face the costs.
Just as the first cut is the deepest (paging Sheryl Crow), the first step is the most difficult. But it’s important to “be honest with yourself about the cost of negative behavior,” Mikic said. Knowing what’s at stake provides motivation to prevent repeat performance. For example, if you gossip about a friend, it might get back to him and damage your relationship. (Running through the scenarios can be a reality check.) If you value this friendship, your desire to maintain it will encourage you to make real, sustainable changes.
2. Reframe responsibilities.
Instead of shining a bright searchlight on all your misdeeds, psychotherapist Caryn Moore of Clarity Therapy suggests holding a softer candle to them. Swap self-deprecating statements like “I shouldn’t have said that” or “I’m a bad person because…” with curious questions. Ask yourself, “How is the part of me that showed up in that moment trying to help me?”
Often the reactive part of us is holding onto a painful memory or wound, or is trying to prevent us from experiencing that pain again by shutting it down. Even if it’s not the most productive way to do it, Moore says. But recognizing that a part of you is trying to be helpful (even if you’re not successful) can help you better understand and ultimately overcome that pattern of behavior.
3. Make friends with the mini monsters inside.
When you’re hard on your partner, it can feel like that little mean person lurking deep within your personality has come out and wreaked havoc on your relationship. It may seem counterintuitive, but “making friends” with this spiky, slimy part of yourself can reveal the little child hiding behind that sharp exterior. says Moore. For example, yelling at your spouse may actually stem from a well-intentioned attempt to protect yourself from someone who crosses your boundaries. Stimulate that curiosity again.
Ask yourself. What is the fear there? ” Moore suggests. Perhaps what you’re worried about is that your partner will hate you from the beginning, just like in your past relationships or with your parents. When you explore the roots of your behavior without shame or judgment, perhaps with the help of a mental health professional, you can begin to understand it. Recognizing that these self-preservation strategies are no longer in your best interests can cause others to begin reverting to their patterns of reactive behavior.
Four. Take responsibility and forgive yourself.
You know that little voice in your head that wants to remind you of what an epic failure you are? Hit mute. Self-forgiveness is an “essential” part of the process. “Because it’s hard to truly own something when you’re defensive and not willing to look at your role,” Frackman says. Extend the compassion you have for others to yourself, adds Mikic. “Not being allowed to make mistakes also means not being able to admit when you make a mistake,” she explains.
Mr. Flackman says that we often think that we can only be all evil or all good, but in reality, as human beings, we can be both. I’m pointing it out. Accepting that you failed, and that you will probably do it again, helps you let go of your defensiveness in favor of humility and healing.
Five. Stop rationalizing.
“Excuses go against ownership,” Flackman said. When you apologize to someone who hurt you, you acknowledge your actions, acknowledge their feelings, and resolve to do better. “Mindfulness is key,” Flackman says. “You can instantly decide how to proceed based on the other person’s reaction. Being honest with them is part of repair.”
By putting QT in and understanding your own emotional triggers before your combo, you won’t be caught off guard when they inevitably arise. This helps her stay more focused, she added. She also writes down what she wants to say so she can listen properly instead of going crazy.
6. Focus on your future self.
So you please do not What do you do when you feel irritated and want to blame others? want Will you? Would you replace a sarcastic comment with a sincere compliment? The answer should be your North Star, says Mikic, and guides you in making decisions in alignment with your North Star. Rather than fear of failure, you will be driven by “positive intrinsic motivation,” such as a desire to improve your relationships. Plus, she added, when the going gets tough, it “serves as a reminder not to fall into old negative patterns.”
However, don’t expect a seamless transition. “Trying a new behavior is almost always unpleasant,” Mikić says. “Even if it’s something you really want to do… be kind to yourself. This is a process that requires continual check-ins with yourself,” Moore added. , there is no need to be discouraged if the second or even his tenth attempt does not yield results.
Perhaps that’s why so many housewives do the same thing three reunions in a row? Hey, you can’t blame the reality TV star for trying. As long as they are working towards it. something, they take sparkly steps in stiletto heels. And you’re just wearing more comfortable shoes.
Now that you’re clean, what should you do? If they’re willing to move forward, let them know you’re committed to long-term internal change, Moore says. What if their receptivity is low? Please respect that. Once you get along better, they may be willing to reconsider the relationship, but on their terms. All you can do is push yourself and hope that your efforts will bring you another chance. I feel strangely relieved!
Lindsey Geller is women’s healthwhere she oversees the Life, Sex & Love, and Relationships sections of WomensHealthMag.com, as well as the Heart section. women’s health magazine. When I’m not writing or editing articles about the latest dating trends and pop culture phenomena, I can usually be found watching reality TV or playing with my dog Lucille (Go Fetch That) Ball.
