Finding healthy food at a summer fair is a bit like finding icebergs in the Mojave Desert, ballet shoes in a military surplus store, or circus clowns in a Vatican secret meeting.
In other words, if it’s easy to find, you’re either in the wrong place or doing something terribly wrong.
After all, we go to the fair to do things we don’t do at other times of the year.
We go to watch a hypnotist make people think they’re glued to their chairs, watch a mariachi band play a raucous cover of the Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right,” and some people are hung upside down on spinning metal contraptions that would clearly have been considered a torture device if the Spanish Inquisition had planned it.
And of course we go to the fair and eat all kinds of delicious things deep fried in hot oil.
From deep-fried Oreos, Twinkies, and Reese’s peanut butter cups to fried fish, calamari, chicken strips, French fries, hot wings, and mini doughnuts, the fair’s most iconic foods are sure to kill us as much as they make us smile.
But what if you like hypnotists, punk rock mariachis, nauseating amusement park rides, and cheesy ping pong goldfish, and you’re trying hard to eat healthy — maybe you’re working to lose weight, lower your blood pressure, or reverse the effects of a dangerously high-fat diet?
What can you eat at a typical summer fair and still feel healthy?
The short answer is: not much.
On a recent Saturday evening out to the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma (the official start of Sonoma County’s fair and festival season for some), I made it my goal to have as much fun as possible while eating only things that my doctor wholeheartedly approves.
It wasn’t easy.
At the fair, we noticed that vegetables also tend to be fried.
With a few guidelines in mind — nothing fried, nothing sweet, nothing with melted cheese, nothing with the word “giant” in it — I quickly walked from one end of the fair to the other, mentally checking off about 90% of the brightly painted food booths I passed, including a “giant baby bottle” stand, where you could buy ice-cold, super-sweet fruit juice — “as cold as your ex-lover’s heart,” the stand’s sign read — served in large, refillable plastic baby bottles.
Judging by the length of the queue, the giant baby bottles seem to be very popular.
But I wanted to eat something.
By the time we reached the far end of the venue and turned back, our choices had been narrowed down to grilled turkey leg, roasted corn, Caesar salad, the Islander Vegan Plate from a Caribbean food truck, and the Barnyard Bowl from Walnut Creek-based catering company Chicken n’ the Farm.
While much of this last menu is full of diet-busting temptations like fried chicken, buttered lobster roll, pulled pork, and the aforementioned fried veggies (fried pickles, fried Brussels sprouts, fried cauliflower), the Barnyard Bowl ($22.99) was the closest thing to a complete meal that fell firmly into the healthier category than a hot dog.
It features roasted corn, black beans, a spring vegetable mix, ranch dressing, and tortilla strips. By the time I made my decision and got in line, I’d already stopped by a stand selling gigantic turkey legs and roasted corn. I considered the turkey, but “giant” is no exaggeration. So instead, I opted for something simple: a “corn in a cup,” which is exactly what it sounds like: $10, a six-ounce paper cup stuffed with roasted corn kernels, very lightly buttered, and, for some reason, a quarter of a lime.
It was a little bland, but still tasty enough, tasting like a lightly buttered corn, but I was still hungry, and since I wasn’t sure what food was in the picture of the Islander Vegan Plate on the side of the truck, and I had no other options but fresh sushi I’d bought from a Goldfish winning game at Midway, I opted for the Barnyard Bowl.
While I was waiting for my funnel cake to be made, I couldn’t help but smell the aromas wafting from the Pennsylvania Dutch booth next door. Of all the foods you can eat at the fair, healthy or unhealthy, funnel cake is my favorite.
But my willpower prevailed. I moved to the other side of the chicken booth and waited for my Barnyard Bowl to be ready. I ate it while watching a hypnotist trick someone into believing they were a rock star. It was basically just a big salad, but it was really tasty and fresh and I thought it was pretty good. However, I have to say, eating the salad at the fair and still having the smell of funnel cake in my head made me feel like I was pantomiming a Frenchman at a speaking convention.
Let’s be honest, healthy food is not what the fair is about.
Still, I’m proud of myself for seeing it through to the end.
And I feel like the choices I’ve made this year have made me healthier.
But next year I’ll get a funnel cake, with ice cream, and Oreos.
Of course it’s fried.
David Templeton is community editor for the Petaluma Argus-Courier. He can be reached at david.templeton@arguscourier.com.
