’90s pop sensation Rageshwari She was at the height of her career as a singer and actor when Bell’s palsy left half of her face paralyzed and her voice slurred in 2000. She recovered through yoga and meditation and started a new life as a mindfulness speaker and life coach. The 48-year-old has since moved to London after marrying human rights lawyer Sudhanshu Swaroop. Neha Bhayana She talks about her eight-year-old daughter, Samaya, and the joys of doing nothing.
Although my doctor told me that I would not be able to conceive naturally, I was able to conceive. What is your story so far?
I got married at 39. I had endometriosis and retroverted uterus. I was told I would never have a baby naturally. When I was introduced to my husband, I told him, but he said he wouldn’t change his mind about getting married because I had the diagnosis. That’s when it was time to practice what I preach: the mind is the last frontier. So I stared at Mother Earth, did Tibetan rituals, and made a vision board of 100 babies. I spent time with all my friends who had babies. I spent time in nature. And my baby came naturally. I joke that I barely had anything to do with my husband. Plus, we were apart, so I didn’t have the stress of my relatives constantly telling me I was 40. Don’t ask anyone about marriage or kids, because everyone has their own life. As a life coach, I’ve realized that when people say they don’t want to get married or have kids, it’s often a defense mechanism. Why do we have to constantly explain to people that we’re looking for the right partner or waiting for a miracle baby? Men go through the same thing. There are many men out there who struggle with becoming a father and it is a tough journey for them.
You’ve written a book on mindful parenting. How can we put it into practice?
Mindful parenting has less to do with your children. Rather, it has more to do with you being a happy and fulfilled parent. Children are very smart. If a mother does not have time to spend with her children and instead goes out to party, this is entirely the mother’s choice and she is free to do, but the child sees this and wants her mother’s time. But at the same time, if the mother is very stressed at work and comes home to spend some time, the child will not complain. Scientific studies show that mothers and fathers do not need more than 15 to 20 minutes a day to be with their children. To practice mindful parenting, we need to simplify our lives and spend more time and less money. It is important to be patient with yourself and your children. That is the biggest quality we are losing today. We are all in such a hurry. We are not giving ourselves time to do nothing. And we are not giving our children time to do nothing. Boredom is a source of creative ideas. Nothing is planned for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Samaya enjoys just walking in the park, spending time with her horses, playing with her dog Lucky, or lying on the grass and reading a book.
It’s important not to overcrowd your life. Do what is most important to you. Make sure you enjoy the important things you work hard for – food. Samaya and I sit at the breakfast table every morning. We eat, we listen to music, we chat, I do her hair and we watch the BBC news for kids.
What’s the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?
My mother gave me the best advice. She taught me to have no ego with my children. It was very difficult, but she had no ego with me. She forgave me for many of my shortcomings, even when I questioned her or was harsh. Now, at 48, I have a very strong bond with my mother. I want that for my daughter, because she needs someone to give her the space to just be, someone to say, “It’s okay, I’m here no matter what.” If you let go of your ego, your child will have a safe haven.
Can you give me an example of a situation where ego didn’t get in the way?
That happens all the time. For example, when I tell Samaya not to wear a certain crop top, she responds very harshly. I have to swallow my pride and say, “Okay, let’s not wear it in front of temples, churches, elders. Just wear it when we go to the park.” I think you need to put your ego aside in every little thing in life. See how your kids talk down to you in front of their friends. You are being downgraded in a way. You are the one who cooks and cleans. But that’s okay. That’s what kids need. My daughter went to the same school as Princess Charlotte in London. I saw Princess Kate driving her kids to and from school. I never saw a nanny with the kids. She picks up Charlotte and takes them to the park in the evening. Samaya and Charlotte played. Kids don’t really care if you’re a princess or a queen or a superstar or an actor. All they want is a mother who will schedule play dates, feed them good food, be there for them all the time, and put her ego aside. But of course, there need to be some boundaries. Mine are to always be kind, respectful and safe. Samaya knows to respect her mother and not be rude or harsh, but I can’t make her wear what I think is right. Plus, she’s a daredevil. She likes anything fast and intense. She loves skating and swimming. It’s going to be a lot harder when she’s a teenager, and I’m prepared for it.
Rates of depression and anxiety in children are on the rise. How do we address this?
The easiest cure would be to go back to our innocence and become farmers and live a very basic life, but that is impossible. What we can do is simplify our lives. Keep your kids away from technology as much as possible and spend time in nature. You will see the difference in 24 hours. Find a green space nearby and plan a picnic with your kids. Nature is healing and even parents who live under stress will feel better. We are making more money, but it is still not enough because we have friends who are earning more. Our children are picking up and amplifying the stress and emotions we experience.
Should children meditate?
It’s so sad that Westerners meditate more than Indians. We just ring the temple bell, say “bhagwanji mujhe ye de do” and start meditating. Meditation helps you build a beautiful relationship with yourself and it also helps kids deal with bullying, failure and low self-esteem. But you also have to teach them the science behind meditation. Teach them that our brains think in pictures and the pictures they see become reality. If you teach them right, they will get hooked. Samaya meditates every day. Recently she said, “Mom, this friend is not nice to me so I will meditate so that she will be nice to me.” So she is using the power of her mind. I think that’s amazing. It’s what she relies on in life.
How can we teach children to meditate?
Meditation is not just done with your eyes closed. It is really about reflecting on the day. Spend some time with your child before bed and ask them how their day went. Usually, we tend to focus on all the things that didn’t go well. That’s the vibe these days. So, for example, when Samaya tells me about her day, I ask her to remember the day and focus on the things that went well. She struggles and thinks and says, “Oh, yes, we got to the bus on time. We walked and didn’t feel tired. There was that stranger who smiled at me…”. We teach our child to focus on the positive. Now we can ask our child to think of someone or something that really makes them happy. It could be a puppy. It could be a flower. It could be daddy’s hug. Now we ask her to close her eyes and imagine a flower. Can you hear, touch or smell that flower? If she says, “Yes, Mama, I can,” that’s good. Now your child can get that idea. Then, go even deeper and tell her that she can meditate on the events that made her happy. You can also meditate on the things you want in life.
Is your husband an active father in raising children?
He is a very calm and encouraging father. He wants to believe he is a proactive father, but he is very busy. I have to remind him sometimes. I lovingly say, “I wish you would take Lucky (their pet dog) for a walk” or “I wish you would tidy up the kitchen.” I never tell him he should do that because marriage is about expressing yourself with love and respect. The beauty of our partnership is that we respect each other deeply. The best thing you can do for your children is to love and respect your spouse. Children always see themselves as half mommy and half daddy. So when you put down your spouse, your children take it personally.
You’ve battled Bell’s Palsy and come out stronger. How can parents teach their children to face challenges head on?
We protect our children too much. We make them suffer. It’s totally fine if they struggle in school or don’t win awards. It’s a great opportunity for them to really understand resilience, because courage only comes from failure and suffering. And that courage is so important. Kids these days are lucky. When I was growing up, I saw my parents struggling and suffering. It made me want to do more and more. Your kids will see your resilience and they’ll learn resilience. If you’re brave, your kids will learn to be brave.
I am very grateful for my facial paralysis. People may see it as a big break in my life, but I see it as a breakthrough. Most setbacks in life are breakthroughs. We tend to see suffering very dramatically and negatively. But if you teach children at an early age, they see it differently. Then they see suffering as a miraculous mistake and they will never forget that lesson. Let them get through the hard times. For example, if someone older than me was being rough with Samaya, I would tell Samaya to go and talk to that person and deal with the problem. I would not go to her and say, “I’m sorry, did you say that to my daughter?” Be their silent advocate, give them the tools, and let them fight their own battles.
What life lessons are you trying to teach Samaya?
I always tell Samaya to use her talents at every stage to inspire others. Her relatives laugh and say, “Do you want me to be Gandhi at the age of eight?” I say, “Yes, because if there is a will, there will be results.” I don’t think awards and accolades alone will satisfy me, but having a community that inspires others will make me truly happy. Currently, Samaya is passionate about plogging, a street clean-up (she was asked to speak on plogging by the House of Lords).
Claim:
On my way to pick up Samaya I saw Princess Kate come into the school to pick up Charlotte and take the kids to the park. Kids don’t care if you’re a princess or a superstar. All they want is their mother
We protect our children too much. We make them endure hard times. They only become courageous when they experience failure.
Although my doctor told me that I would not be able to conceive naturally, I was able to conceive. What is your story so far?
I got married at 39. I had endometriosis and retroverted uterus. I was told I would never have a baby naturally. When I was introduced to my husband, I told him, but he said he wouldn’t change his mind about getting married because I had the diagnosis. That’s when it was time to practice what I preach: the mind is the last frontier. So I stared at Mother Earth, did Tibetan rituals, and made a vision board of 100 babies. I spent time with all my friends who had babies. I spent time in nature. And my baby came naturally. I joke that I barely had anything to do with my husband. Plus, we were apart, so I didn’t have the stress of my relatives constantly telling me I was 40. Don’t ask anyone about marriage or kids, because everyone has their own life. As a life coach, I’ve realized that when people say they don’t want to get married or have kids, it’s often a defense mechanism. Why do we have to constantly explain to people that we’re looking for the right partner or waiting for a miracle baby? Men go through the same thing. There are many men out there who struggle with becoming a father and it is a tough journey for them.
You’ve written a book on mindful parenting. How can we put it into practice?
Mindful parenting has less to do with your children. Rather, it has more to do with you being a happy and fulfilled parent. Children are very smart. If a mother does not have time to spend with her children and instead goes out to party, this is entirely the mother’s choice and she is free to do, but the child sees this and wants her mother’s time. But at the same time, if the mother is very stressed at work and comes home to spend some time, the child will not complain. Scientific studies show that mothers and fathers do not need more than 15 to 20 minutes a day to be with their children. To practice mindful parenting, we need to simplify our lives and spend more time and less money. It is important to be patient with yourself and your children. That is the biggest quality we are losing today. We are all in such a hurry. We are not giving ourselves time to do nothing. And we are not giving our children time to do nothing. Boredom is a source of creative ideas. Nothing is planned for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Samaya enjoys just walking in the park, spending time with her horses, playing with her dog Lucky, or lying on the grass and reading a book.
Expanding
It’s important not to overcrowd your life. Do what is most important to you. Make sure you enjoy the important things you work hard for – food. Samaya and I sit at the breakfast table every morning. We eat, we listen to music, we chat, I do her hair and we watch the BBC news for kids.
What’s the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?
My mother gave me the best advice. She taught me to have no ego with my children. It was very difficult, but she had no ego with me. She forgave me for many of my shortcomings, even when I questioned her or was harsh. Now, at 48, I have a very strong bond with my mother. I want that for my daughter, because she needs someone to give her the space to just be, someone to say, “It’s okay, I’m here no matter what.” If you let go of your ego, your child will have a safe haven.
Can you give me an example of a situation where ego didn’t get in the way?
That happens all the time. For example, when I tell Samaya not to wear a certain crop top, she responds very harshly. I have to swallow my pride and say, “Okay, let’s not wear it in front of temples, churches, elders. Just wear it when we go to the park.” I think you need to put your ego aside in every little thing in life. See how your kids talk down to you in front of their friends. You are being downgraded in a way. You are the one who cooks and cleans. But that’s okay. That’s what kids need. My daughter went to the same school as Princess Charlotte in London. I saw Princess Kate driving her kids to and from school. I never saw a nanny with the kids. She picks up Charlotte and takes them to the park in the evening. Samaya and Charlotte played. Kids don’t really care if you’re a princess or a queen or a superstar or an actor. All they want is a mother who will schedule play dates, feed them good food, be there for them all the time, and put her ego aside. But of course, there need to be some boundaries. Mine are to always be kind, respectful and safe. Samaya knows to respect her mother and not be rude or harsh, but I can’t make her wear what I think is right. Plus, she’s a daredevil. She likes anything fast and intense. She loves skating and swimming. It’s going to be a lot harder when she’s a teenager, and I’m prepared for it.
Rates of depression and anxiety in children are on the rise. How do we address this?
The easiest cure would be to go back to our innocence and become farmers and live a very basic life, but that is impossible. What we can do is simplify our lives. Keep your kids away from technology as much as possible and spend time in nature. You will see the difference in 24 hours. Find a green space nearby and plan a picnic with your kids. Nature is healing and even parents who live under stress will feel better. We are making more money, but it is still not enough because we have friends who are earning more. Our children are picking up and amplifying the stress and emotions we experience.
Should children meditate?
It’s so sad that Westerners meditate more than Indians. We just ring the temple bell, say “bhagwanji mujhe ye de do” and start meditating. Meditation helps you build a beautiful relationship with yourself and it also helps kids deal with bullying, failure and low self-esteem. But you also have to teach them the science behind meditation. Teach them that our brains think in pictures and the pictures they see become reality. If you teach them right, they will get hooked. Samaya meditates every day. Recently she said, “Mom, this friend is not nice to me so I will meditate so that she will be nice to me.” So she is using the power of her mind. I think that’s amazing. It’s what she relies on in life.
How can we teach children to meditate?
Meditation is not just done with your eyes closed. It is really about reflecting on the day. Spend some time with your child before bed and ask them how their day went. Usually, we tend to focus on all the things that didn’t go well. That’s the vibe these days. So, for example, when Samaya tells me about her day, I ask her to remember the day and focus on the things that went well. She struggles and thinks and says, “Oh, yes, we got to the bus on time. We walked and didn’t feel tired. There was that stranger who smiled at me…”. We teach our child to focus on the positive. Now we can ask our child to think of someone or something that really makes them happy. It could be a puppy. It could be a flower. It could be daddy’s hug. Now we ask her to close her eyes and imagine a flower. Can you hear, touch or smell that flower? If she says, “Yes, Mama, I can,” that’s good. Now your child can get that idea. Then, go even deeper and tell her that she can meditate on the events that made her happy. You can also meditate on the things you want in life.
Is your husband an active father in raising children?
He is a very calm and encouraging father. He wants to believe he is a proactive father, but he is very busy. I have to remind him sometimes. I lovingly say, “I wish you would take Lucky (their pet dog) for a walk” or “I wish you would tidy up the kitchen.” I never tell him he should do that because marriage is about expressing yourself with love and respect. The beauty of our partnership is that we respect each other deeply. The best thing you can do for your children is to love and respect your spouse. Children always see themselves as half mommy and half daddy. So when you put down your spouse, your children take it personally.
You’ve battled Bell’s Palsy and come out stronger. How can parents teach their children to face challenges head on?
We protect our children too much. We make them suffer. It’s totally fine if they struggle in school or don’t win awards. It’s a great opportunity for them to really understand resilience, because courage only comes from failure and suffering. And that courage is so important. Kids these days are lucky. When I was growing up, I saw my parents struggling and suffering. It made me want to do more and more. Your kids will see your resilience and they’ll learn resilience. If you’re brave, your kids will learn to be brave.
I am very grateful for my facial paralysis. People may see it as a big break in my life, but I see it as a breakthrough. Most setbacks in life are breakthroughs. We tend to see suffering very dramatically and negatively. But if you teach children at an early age, they see it differently. Then they see suffering as a miraculous mistake and they will never forget that lesson. Let them get through the hard times. For example, if someone older than me was being rough with Samaya, I would tell Samaya to go and talk to that person and deal with the problem. I would not go to her and say, “I’m sorry, did you say that to my daughter?” Be their silent advocate, give them the tools, and let them fight their own battles.
What life lessons are you trying to teach Samaya?
I always tell Samaya to use her talents at every stage to inspire others. Her relatives laugh and say, “Do you want me to be Gandhi at the age of eight?” I say, “Yes, because if there is a will, there will be results.” I don’t think awards and accolades alone will satisfy me, but having a community that inspires others will make me truly happy. Currently, Samaya is passionate about plogging, a street clean-up (she was asked to speak on plogging by the House of Lords).
Claim:
On my way to pick up Samaya I saw Princess Kate come into the school to pick up Charlotte and take the kids to the park. Kids don’t care if you’re a princess or a superstar. All they want is their mother
We protect our children too much. We make them endure hard times. They only become courageous when they experience failure.