We live in a time when the institution of marriage is increasingly being questioned. More and more people are choosing to remain single.
The big question is, “Why get married?”
I recently got married, and my friends ask me, “How is married life?” Naturally, the unsolicited comment is, “I’m not going to get married.” Digging a little deeper, they might say, “I don’t want to give away half of what I own.”
Experts like Napoleon Hill Thoughts become reality (My way of saying it) is that men achieve so much more when they are inspired and supported by women.
Women can be the guardians of the moral and ethical standards of a culture, and they can do so with one word: no. They can say no to unethical and immoral behavior. When we are given this ability to say no, we can respond to situations rationally and with good intentions.
Many of us are not born into rational families. I was born into a very emotional family. My father was an alcoholic and I was a surrogate husband for my mother. It was a very difficult time. My wife, on the other hand, was born in Taiwan, a very rational, nuclear family-oriented culture. She lived at home with her family until we got married at 34.
In a rational family, people are valued.
When children are taught emotional control, they understand their own value and are able to protect and forgive others for their weaknesses. However, social expectations can shatter a child’s compassion. In my observations, in the United States, women who choose not to marry before graduating from college go out into the world to support themselves. Right after that, they say, “Why get married? I can take care of myself.” And they do. Women have to work harder than men to achieve similar results socially, academically, and economically. Often, when a man loses his job, he sits on the couch and pretends to take care of the kids while his partner has to go out and work. Gender double standards make it difficult to justify the promise of marriage.
Spirituality and Singleness
I have been doing yoga for over 20 years and reading a lot of spiritual books. I was in Al-Anon for 20 years. I have been in contact with a lot of spiritual people, and when I observe self-professed spiritual people, I find that most of them are single. Why is that? Because most spiritual people are emotional people. They often grow up in homes where they are not taught to be themselves, to feel, to think, to share. Others tell them consciously and unconsciously what to feel, think, and do, to the point where they have little or no love left for themselves.
Why get married? Why is it necessary?
In my opinion, we must be reborn to love ourselves because that is our natural state. It is relatively easy to be spiritual in isolation, whether you are alone or with like-minded people. When we form intimate relationships with people who have a different belief system, spirituality often flies out the window.
When people ask me why I get married, I say, “Marriage is the most spiritual thing I’ve ever done. I’ve done a lot of Down Dog.” The reason is that the only way to know if you love yourself or another person is to make commitments that you are willing to make and keep — not to a finite, fallible human being, but to the relationship.
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When my wife and I were fighting during the imperfect stage, we vowed to never give up on our relationship. If I could tell you anything, I would say find someone who is willing to fight with you because they truly love you. Be kind because we are all finite, fallible human beings with an infinite capacity to love. How do you choose to accept and nurture that love?
James Allen Hanrahan is a Los Angeles-based dating and relationship coach for women and author of A Life of Love and Dating Advice for Alpha Women.
