Revealing the secrets of mental health

Andy Blackmore, photo editor City AMspeaks openly about her own experiences with panic attacks and mental health issues, emphasizing that you are not alone in your struggle and that there is nothing shameful about asking for help.

Coming out about mental health issues is never easy, but when that metaphorical furniture falls from the sky, puts you inside, and disintegrates before your editor’s eyes, it’s clear that the decision is not yours.

The reason I found myself in this situation was because I witnessed him being pushed into the back of an ambulance in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack and mental breakdown.

Again, fear overwhelmed me, along with feelings of guilt and shame. Ashamed that a man who had been through so much and seemed so brave could be so scared. Ashamed that I had been such a phony.

At the time, they even said it was a lung exacerbation caused by chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).

Still, it’s not easy to spill secrets, and there was a time when sharing such information could be career-destroying.

shame on you

It used to be that popping out of the vent to air your soiled linen in public was a welcome sight at work; or, as Billy Connolly put it better than I can, “as welcome as farting in a space suit.”

I’ve come this far so I might as well finish it. Despite much denial, I’ve struggled with mental health issues my whole life.

At first I thought it was just age, but it seemed the moody, troubled teenager I once was had been swallowed up by the moody, troubled soon-to-be 60-year-old me, and it was too late to imagine I’d ever be able to escape this quandary.

Now, this oxymoron helps me cope with my depression (though I do take medication), and I’m happy with it because I see it as just part of the price of being creative.

So I accept my deal with the “Black Dogs” as a part of my life, and although they will never be tamed, we try to coexist.

But what I really struggle with are the panic attacks.

Utter horror

Anxiety attacks give me a unique perspective on life that I would never want to have. Aside from the ringing in my ears (I’m deaf in my right ear) and the tightness in my chest, the experience of life on my floor at University Hospital (nicknamed Maidy) is terrifying, collapsing in the hallway, clutching my chest like a dodgy actor, convinced I’m going to die.

“Infamy! Infamy! Everyone hates me.” Whether or not you’re exaggerating, the fear is very real.

And that’s enough: the porter screams, the doctor runs in and lies you down on the cold concrete, holding you tenderly and comforting you as you cry like a terrified toddler.

I hope and pray with every atom in my body that my life doesn’t end like this, that I’m not alone in the dreary corridors of a drab medical facility. It would be a tragedy if I wasn’t so pitiful. The horror and loathing of Croydon. Not an attractive combination.

Knowledge is power, but the attacks don’t present an opportunity for me to understand or avoid them.

Always in fear

The attack can strike suddenly and without warning while you’re on the train, sitting at your desk, walking to lunch or even on a nice country walk – and it can be disabling.

At one point, my mental health got so bad that I was having one attack after another and I was convinced I was just sitting in a chair in my living room waiting to have a heart attack and die.

Now I know there’s no magic wand that will fix all this — and I’m still searching — but I’ve taken my first steps on the road to some kind of recovery (or maybe I’ve gotten over the first of so many interagency hurdles that I’ll be as dizzy as a circus dog by the end of this).

Yet, given the current demand for mental health support in the NHS, the healthcare professionals who initiated the movement told me not to give up or lose hope because I must keep knocking and never accept “no” for an answer.

So why reveal a not-so-exclusive secret? Perhaps by being honest with myself, I can help you do the same. When fear takes over your life, it can feel overwhelming.

However, it’s important to remember that anxiety and mental health struggles are real experiences and it’s okay to seek support if you need it. I would say you’re not alone in your struggles and there’s nothing shameful about being scared or asking for help.

Find out more about Red Umbrella’s workplace mental health training For more information on mental health support, visit the NHS website.