If we look for it, we can see that there are many people throughout the day who need help (loading groceries into a car, grabbing something from a high shelf, etc.), but if they don’t ask for help, it can feel like we spend our days constantly helping others with their daily lives instead of doing what we need to do for ourselves.
In polite society, is it my fault for assuming that people in need are too embarrassed to ask for help, and therefore that I should always offer it? If I need help, I will ask for it!
I know every case is different, but I’m looking for a default position, if you need help feel free to ask.
A passively helpful man
A. If you’re using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a coworker walks by with a large box, then by all means, keep doing what you’re doing.
If someone walks past you carrying a big box while you’re staring blankly into space, trying to think of the perfect greeting for your next email (hmm, “Hello” or “Dear Friend”?), I suggest you make eye contact and ask, “Can I help you?”
The way you view this dilemma makes it seem like you think being too careful might mean spending your days jumping up and down to help people you don’t know. OK! That’s great. I agree with you.
Unlike you, not many people are willing to ask for help when they need it, so be the person who gets something from a high shelf, opens the door for a parent pushing a stroller, offers to help if someone is struggling to carry a box across their line of sight, etc. Make this your “default” attitude.
In my opinion, asking for help is a very important act, not only does it give the person asking for help the possibility of receiving assistance, but it also gives a good person like you the opportunity to offer help.
question. My son “Aaron” is 6 years old. Aaron’s grandmother “Omi” passed away and his grandfather remarried a woman whom Aaron has always called “Ms. Helen.”
I’m wondering, is it okay to force my kids to call their step-grandmother “Grandma” before they’re ready?
Grandpa seems to think that since he is married to Helen, it is disrespectful for his grandson to call her that, and he thinks it’s fine for Aaron to call her whatever he wants.
Now, every time he fails, his grandfather scolds him, saying, “What a rude person.” I’m worried about what will happen if he continues to fail and how his grandfather will punish him.
Your opinion?
Distraught mother
A. I agree with you that a 6 year old should slowly adjust to changes in the family and shouldn’t be punished if he doesn’t adjust well to a new program – he is 6 after all!
The immediate and likely lasting consequence of this pressure is that “Aaron” will likely choose not to speak to his new grandmother-in-law at all, for fear of making a slip-up.
His grandfather’s strictness would breed timidity and fear rather than respect. Aaron subsequently chooses to avoid the two adults, an instinctive and rational response to their behavior. And patterns and relationships established in early childhood tend to remain intact.
These grandparents need to realize that it’s easy to demand respect, but it takes time, patience, and setting a good example to earn it. This grandfather is failing, and when Aaron begins to avoid him, the grandfather claims he has no idea why.
Amy Dickinson can be contacted at askamy@amydickinson.com.
