Dear Amy: What is your default position when it comes to asking for help versus offering help?
For example, let’s say I’m at work and someone passes by my desk multiple times, carrying a large box each time.
Assuming that carrying large boxes is part of their job, should I stop what I’m doing and offer to help just because it’s the polite thing to do?
Or is it the other person’s responsibility to actually ask for help if they really need it, since it’s obvious they’re looking at me at all times? (Which I’m happy to help, by the way.)
If you look carefully, you’ll find that throughout the day there are many people who potentially need help (such as loading groceries into a car or grabbing something from a high shelf).
But if they don’t ask for help, it can feel like they spend their days constantly helping others with their daily lives, instead of doing what they need to do for themselves.
Is it my responsibility in polite society to assume that people in need are too embarrassed to ask for help and therefore that I should always be the one to offer it?
If you need help, ask!
I know it varies from case to case, but I’m looking for the default position.
“If you need help, just tell me!”
— Passively Helpful Man
Dear Helpful: If you’re using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a coworker walks by with a large box, then by all means, keep doing what you’re doing.
If someone walks past you carrying a big box while you’re staring blankly into space, trying to think of the perfect greeting for your next email (hmm, “Hello” or “Dear Friend”?), I suggest you make eye contact and ask, “Can I help you?”
The way you view this dilemma, it seems you believe that being too careful might mean spending your days jumping up and down to help strangers.
OK! That’s great. Amen.
Unlike you, there aren’t enough people who ask for help when they need it.
So be that person who reaches for something off a high shelf, holds the door open for a parent pushing a stroller, or offers to help if you see someone struggling to carry a box within sight.
Make this your “default” position.
In my opinion, asking for help is a very important act, not only does it give the person asking for help the possibility of receiving assistance, but it also gives a good person like you the opportunity to offer help.
Dear Amy: My son, Aaron, is 6 years old.
Aaron’s grandmother, “Omi,” passed away and his grandfather remarried a woman whom Aaron always called “Ms. Helen.”
I’m wondering, is it okay to force my kids to call their step-grandmother “Grandma” before they’re ready?
His grandfather feels that since he married Helen, it is disrespectful for his grandson to address her in this way.
I think whatever way Aaron feels comfortable calling her is fine.
Now, whenever he makes a mistake, his grandfather scolds him for being so rude.
He’s scared of what will happen if he continues to fail, and what punishment his grandfather will give him.
Your opinion?
— Distraught Mother
Dear Upset: I agree with you that a 6 year old should slowly adjust to changes in the family and shouldn’t be punished if he doesn’t adjust well to a new program – he is 6 after all!
The immediate and likely lasting consequence of this pressure is that “Aaron” will likely choose not to speak to his new grandmother-in-law at all, for fear of making a slip-up.
His grandfather’s strictness would inspire cowardice and perhaps fear rather than respect. Aaron subsequently chooses to avoid these two adults, an instinctive and rational response to their behavior. And patterns and relationships established in early life tend to remain intact.
These grandparents need to realize that it’s easy to demand respect, but it takes time, patience, and setting a good example to earn it. This grandfather is failing, and when Aaron begins to avoid him, the grandfather claims he has no idea why.
Dear Reader: Before I step down at the end of June, I’m pleased to make way for your new advice provider, R. Eric Thomas, whose “Ask Eric” column will continue to foster the engaging relationship we’ve shared. Eric is a young, smart, and talented advice provider who previously wrote the “Dear Prudence” column.
You can help Eric get started by sending your question to eric@askingeric.com.
(Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. translator Or Facebook.
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