Dear Amy: I am a 67-year-old woman. I have one girlfriend, her 60 year old brother “Charles”. We live very close together in the countryside.
Over the years, Charles has cut ties with almost all of his family, including his three children. Still, he maintained a friendly relationship with his daughter and me, especially his son. They were more like brothers than uncle and nephew.
A few years ago, Charles became very critical of my daughter and started getting angry at her little comments, no matter how innocent.
Then he started acting like that towards me.
A few weeks ago, he came to see me enraged by some imaginary evil he thought my son had done to him (my son lives in another state for work, but ).
Charles told me that he didn’t want his son around anymore and that he had made terrible accusations against him.
I just listened and when he finally finished his rant I tried to have a normal conversation with him.
When my son tried to talk to me, things got worse and now he can’t talk.
I texted Charles several times and sent him a card on his birthday, but he never responded.
My brother remarried a few years ago and since then he has become even more isolated.
I believe his extremely out of character behavior is a combination of his wife’s influence and possibly mental health issues.
I wrote him a note telling him I loved him and would always be here if he needed me or wanted to get back together, but he never responded.
At this point, I decided to continue sending cards on special occasions, but to stop trying to reconcile and respect his choice to cut us out of his life.
Should we do more than that?
– I am a sad sister
Dear Sad Sister: Sometimes estrangement begins because of a clear disagreement. Things are said, apologies are not offered or accepted, and people run off to separate corners. (And decades later, the next generation won’t know why they never met their cousins.)
What you are describing is part of the phenomenon of family separation, which I call “I don’t know what I did to offend you.”
The “X” element here is your brother’s wife. (Has she ever contacted her?)
Your sibling may also be suffering from mental illness or cognitive decline.
I don’t know what I can do to get him back other than sending him an edible bouquet of flowers every week. Your responses to him are thoughtful, loving, and caring.
I think you should continue to keep in touch with him. You don’t need to press him for an explanation, but since he lives nearby, why not send him a text and photo from time to time that reflects your local area? (“Did you and Wendy see the sunset last night? It was spectacular.”) It may be helpful to include his wife’s name in the question.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy Or Facebook. )
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