Contrary to the widespread explanation, you are not alone
When I was reeling from the end of my marriage, I hopped on a plane to India and tearfully engaged in self-development. But after six months of downward dog, Ayurvedic cleanses, and various sexkapads didn’t heal my broken heart, I decided I needed to do something more drastic. I signed up for 10 days of silent meditation.
When I got to the part of the application asking about mental illness, I hesitated. I had heard in various yoga circles that it was possible to be turned down for a retreat, so I was pretty confident that if I answered honestly I would be turned down.
Diagnosis aside, the 10 days of sitting still for 9 hours a day without interacting with anyone was objectively tough. But I didn’t care. I had heard that Vipassana (the name of this meditation style and quiet retreat) brings infinite love, compassion, and goodwill. I wanted to feel something other than miserable and this was the only thing I hadn’t tried yet.
Additionally, I had equated my past mental instability with drug and alcohol abuse. By the time I arrived at the retreat, I hadn’t touched either in 10 years. He never returned to the psychiatric hospital. I was seeing a therapist, but she wouldn’t prescribe me any medication.
So I lied and went in.
My plan was to be cautious. If I’m not sleeping or my thoughts start racing or looping, I walk away. I tried to ignore the major flaw in this plan, that one of the features that kept me from grasping the reality I experienced was denial. I had no idea that meditation itself was a contributing factor.
Vipassana meditation involves observing bodily sensations without visual or verbal commentary. This is to help participants understand that reality, at the most basic level, is a crafted story. What I learned many years after the fact was that the process of unwinding personal stories can be unstable.
In 2017, researchers at Brown University published a study that categorized the negative effects commonly experienced by meditators. They reported that fear, anxiety, panic, and paranoia were most frequently reported by meditators (82%). In addition, there is also a meditation experience…
